It's happening again.

So, it's happening again.

Friends with whom cannot live without (slightly dramatic interpretation of future events necessitated by looming despair) have begun to moan about Prague and talking about all the places they'd rather be and where they're going next etc. It's the moaning about Prague that maybe peeves the most. I still feel, after more than two and a half years, that I'm lucky to be here, that I'm happy with my life (less than ideal financial situation notwithstanding), and that I am both too tired and too satisfied to want to wander on somewhere else. Besides, hello. Prague.

How much do you really have to complain about? Really? We could be back home stuck in a dead end or we could be here forging names and lives of our own for ourselves. Even at my poorest and lowest, I'll take the latter.

In the past the offenders of this grievous Crime Against Me have included some of my best friends (Tandrew). I bore it all as best I could at the time, choosing to smile through my gritted teeth instead of unleashing some probably unfair rage in their direction. And of course, when they left, it sucked and a big piece of my Prague heart went with them, and in the weeks after their departure I started doubting myself. I asked questions like, if they want to leave so badly, shouldn't I? Aren't I in more or less the same situation as them? Same age, same kinda jobs, same or similar problems? It took a while of an ugly funk before I began to grow indignant with myself for asking stupid questions. I am happy, I am content, and just because those closest to me sometimes aren't, doesn't mean I need to feel the same way. Why should I care what dictates the paths other people take?

I don't care. But unfortunately I have this obnoxious personality trait that when others who are close to me are experiencing extreme moods, I seem to soak them up and they become my own. Tara knows every day she came home pissed, I would soon be pissed as well. Once she tried to hide that she was pissed so I wouldn't be pissed residually. It didn't work.

So I promised myself that if it started to happen again, I would speak up and say something, and then otherwise be a good friend and normal person who could listen to friends' problems without taking them on myself or being pissed at them for having them.

Cut to present day, where the latest offender of the Paul-John's Hate Crimes Act is none other than essential, life-enriching besty Shannon. At first I actively participated in Shannon's ideas and plans about leaving, since she was saying it would be more than a year away and wish to be good, supportive friend. Slowly it became a topic which has appeared every time we see each other. And I guess last night I was too tired and beer-loosened, and I had to open my mouth and say something.

Was probably more curt than was necessary, but feel I explained self reasonably, and in true Shannon form (thankfully for me) her response was more 'Got it. Cool. Slow down with the moving talk' than 'How DARE you?' But it was essential manoeuvre of self-defense! If not, was about to be mired deep down in stress and angst which do not need. And I wasn't wearing my bullshit-wading boots.

Then of course I felt bad for shutting her down, and she probably was terrified of me, like the time she said 'you would like this song' and I replied 'Fuck you.' Come to think of it, she must have been, because not twenty minutes later she was like, 'Sooo, are you mad at me, for anything right now, orrr...?' Was glad that she asked because if being perfectly honest about it did look sort of pissed, but only owing to fatigue.

Spent the day, much against my New Year's Resolution, in bed-swaddled funk. Then as I was enjoying the brisk coldness of the balcony, one of Shannon's road trip songs (Can't Go Back, by the Weepies) from the Croatia trip came on my iPod. Some of the lyrics struck me as poignant and befitting my mood:

I can't really say why everybody wishes they were somewhere else

But in the end the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself

So Shannon, me and you walk on, walk on, walk on, cos you can't go back now.

And in future, will try to be more gracious in social situations featuring conversations which do not want to hear:

"Well, do you have any money, dear?"

Yes. That's right.

"Well, do you have any money, dear?"

That was the humiliating question posed to me by my mother, or as my father calls her, my benefactress. I should say he calls her that in between his riotous, hooting gay laughter at my expense over the other end of the telephone.

And the answer to that question was no.

I know. It is pathetic. But is actually not my fault this time! For reasons cannot explain or even quite comprehend but due to circumstances almost entirely out of own control, have not been paid since November 15th. Which has elicited this reaction from me:

 
Consequently, am a pauper, and without benefactress, would be destitute and this would be me in a matter of days:

That's right. I'd be raggedly and poor on the streets like Éponine, wailing about being on my own or similar, stealing from people and being scrappy but lovable tragic hero etc. Except would not die in act of heroism but more likely from starvation owing to fear of being caught stealing. Hmm. Poverty diet on whole new level? Would probably be very thin after few months on streets. Hmm, no, though. See fat homeless people all the time (good shelter food?).




Hmm, what else... ohh, I knowww...

 KATIE'S BIRTHDAY!

In other news, yesterday waaaas only one of the greatest people EVER's birthday, my sister Katie!

Hurrah!! Left her birthday card while I was home that was received, I hear, with TEARS! Ha! Success!! Not sure why tears at birthday cards are my family's united goal every card-holiday, but they are. So in the success meter, mine obviously ranks very highly.

Only sucky part is missing birthday festivities with them. Cannot believe has only been a mere 13 days since Shannon and I came home!

So, to my family, a million of these, courtesy of me via Teresa Giudice:

Speaking of Shannon, I also apparently inadvertently guilted her into calling Ta Ta more often. So this is my special shout out to the lovely Ta Ta, Mom Mom, and Pop Pop down in the big Stratford En-Jay. I do what I can, Ta Ta! Love y'all...

It is snowing in the lamplight outside my window right now and I feel like, since I live in Europe, should do something like make tea and sit in window with book and watch the snow fall. Will probably end up making tea and watching bad reality TV, but it's a good start. See y'all later.

New Years Resolutions

Am safely back in Prague after three week marathon holiday in the States. In this post I shall review the successes and failures of my trip home, as well as my resolutions for the new year.

My Holiday Goals In Review

To begin, I will review the goals of my trip, colourfully highlighted (highlit?) for successes and failures.

1) Spend loads of quality time with Mom, Dad, and Katie. Success!

Soaked up as much family time at home as possible. Lovely hugs and warmth and comfort all in glorious cheerful Christmastime spirit. Only failure was inability to pack them all in Lady Baltimore to bring them home with me.

2) Spend loads of quality time with Yolanda. Success!

My beloved car, a spritely little banged up Scion xA called Yolanda, was finally back in my grasp. Oh, the untold hours we spent, depositing and collecting Shannon, making runs to QuickChek for coffee, driving all over creation with friends for the sake of it, singing at the top of our voices together... I miss her dearly already. Must more seriously investigate shipping her over here. Aleš tells me car insurance is only 5000kč a year! Imagine! 5000kč! That's significantly less than my monthly rent (about $250, for intercontinental readers).

3) Visit Caroline in Montréal. Failure! 

Had every intention of taking a day trip up to ma terre natale (not actually terre natale but at this point who's counting and might as well be anyway) to see Care, but the ends of holidays are always too hectic. In the end was not possible. However I am determined that it shall happen in summer. Would hate to hit the three year mark.

4) Visit Ms Ledford and Dr Donna & Diane. Success! and Failure!

Successfully spent lovely time with Ms Ledford over stemless glass of white wine in the living room I feel I partially grew up in, meeting her new cats and catching up on love and hugs. However, did NOT manage to make it to my old job at the chiro office to see my former boss and co-pilot of the reception desk. Miss them dearly.

5) Mend broken fences namely Sara and Lauren. Success!

Spent wonderful few days in Florida with my sister Sara (and whole family) talking everything through and reconnecting with her on mature adult level with excellent talks and Moscato (did not care for that 'rosé' imposter Moscato at all though). Also rekindled things with my childhood best friend Lauren, whom I missed dearly and was glad to find in best condition of our lives: looking great, sounding great, with her lovely great boyfriend. Also had to walk away very fast at end of night so could not be seen trying not to cry when she told me she still wanted me to be her Man of Honour.

6) See high school friends. Success!

Jen and Tracy and Steph and Danielle and Nikki and Ashley and Kristen plus newer but kindred spirit friend Lea... not everyone I wanted to see, but a decent effort! Had the best time at Sunset Grill, reconnecting with Jen just like we were never apart, and FINALLY duetting with Tracy to Wilson Phillips at karaoke. Feel like that was a life goal achieved. Plus a lovely time at Nikki's NYE Party, during which she may or may not have gone to bed while I was still on the balcony. It's her quirks that make her so loveable, after all.

7) Bring home loads of things from New Jersey. Failure!

Another good intention gone awry. Simply did not have enough room in normal sized suitcase plus Lady Baltimore for foodstuffs and books and other things which would have surely enriched life in Prague. Am however generously equipped with Kindle fire thanks to benefaction of endlessly thoughtful and helpful parents.

8) Explore psyche of 17 year old cousin, mainly for scientific curiosity. Success!

As it turns out, my cousin has turned into quite a fantastic young man. Rather enjoyed his Bay Area laid back attitude and his mature insight. Hope he will visit soon. Did not get as much time as would have liked with Aunt Linda though...

New Years Resolutions

Have never historically been successful with these, so I am going to try combining lofty high minded goals with attainable short term goals in interest of not feeling self-defeated by February.

I WILL:

1) Join gym and obviously lose 3000 pounds in one month (maybe just remove two zeros for purpose of ease [surely attainable?]).
          1a) Lose my 'New Jersey 10' with alacrity (good progress already made in this front owing to poverty diet and stark lack of any delicious things at home).

2) Be diligent about invoices, attendance sheets, timesheets, and similar.

3) Learn how to actually do invoices.

4) Find time to sing as have discovered thanks to time with Yolanda that it greatly improves my mood and generally makes me feel good. Also surely must be type of exercise?

5) Pay all bills on time instead of letting phone, internet, etc be turned off owing to late payment of minimum payments.

6) Try new recipes more frequently instead of falling into dreadful rut of making same successful recipe every night for 3 weeks.

I WILL NOT:

1) Bitch about missing Tandrew, Alice, Meghan, Simona et al but instead invest time into finding new friends (ideally the more permanent variety).

2) Let self become bone idle, lazy, demotivated, or sedentary. Will sit with computer at kitchen table instead of tucked away in bedroom like some sort of elderly recluse on disability.

3) Maintain habit of binging and purging re: blogging, i.e. going for days and days without posting until it all comes to a head and I vomit sixteen topics in one sitting.

4) Be in any way habitually negative or self-pitying as continuation of last two years' resolutions (only resolution which have ever kept).

5) Close self off from opportunities in work, love, or social life. Instead, will extend self more and put self 'out there', as they say, though am unsure and uncomfortable about where exactly 'out there' is. Sounds dangerous.

6)  Lie about my ideas, my life, my thoughts and opinions, or myself to make other people feel better somehow.


That's all for now! Check back soon!